How to Be a More Assertive Parent: Saying ‘No’ to Your Child

Kids can make it incredibly hard for adults to say “no,” whether your young child is having tantrums and acting out—or your teen has escalated to becoming verbally (or physically) abusive.
Your child might also try to make you feel guilty to get his way, or he might act overly sweet and responsible, only to revert to his normal self after the “prize” has been won.

This behavior usually starts when kids are young. Maybe your daughter acted out in the grocery store when she didn’t get something she wanted. You tried to be firm but relented and let her have the candy or toy she was screaming for so she would just be quiet and stop embarrassing you.

Or maybe you were at home one day and you told your son to turn off the TV. Perhaps he cried, put on his best sad face, and said, “Please mommy—just 10 more minutes?” Pretty Please!!! like my son will always say. SMILES. The ten minutes turn into thirty and then an hour and you find yourself feeling frustrated and angry that you didn’t stick to your limits. The bottom line is that we all know what we should do in these situations but let’s face it—it’s hard.

For many parents, it’s easier to give in than to deal with their child’s negative reaction. Or their own feelings of parental guilt. Other parents give in by doing their child’s chores for them without holding them accountable because it’s easier than fighting about it. So basically, parents become too focused on maintaining the peace or feeling better emotionally.

Parents often struggle to say “no” because of other people’s opinions or pressure from friends, family, or society in general. Parents often feel that they should do this, or they should
allow that. I talk to many parents in coaching sessions who doubt their decisions because other parents seem to be doing things differently. Or, they received criticism from someone they trust, such as their parent or their best friend. So they compare themselves to others—or an imagined ideal—and act how they think they should out of fear of being judged, rather than acting how they think is right for their family and their child.

Here’s the truth: nobody knows your values and your child better than you do. So try to remind yourself of that when you’re feeling outside pressure to be a certain way with your child. Keep your focus on the big picture and remember, no matter the reason, giving in is a quick fix that will almost guarantee problems later on. As James Lehman, creator of The Total Transformation® child behavior program teaches:Always ask yourself, ‘What’s the best thing to do for my child right now?’” Sometimes the answer is to set limits and give a consequence to teach them an important lesson about behavior. Know that you have a right, indeed a responsibility, to enforce your values in your home.
Before you answer a request from your child, ask yourself: How do I want my child to be as they grow older? What do I want them to learn here?”Think about this before you respond to your child. You can start to take back control by keeping your long-term goal in mind. If your child continues to lash out at you, beg you, or badger you after you’ve told them “no,” it’s very important to set a clear and firm limit.

Remember: your job is to set the limit, not to control how your child feels about it or reacts to it. So focus on what you can control—yourself and how you act. Tell your child their behavior isn’t going to get them what they want. And then walk away. After you walk away, do something to take care of yourself, something that will help you deal with the stress or frustration you’re feeling. For example, you might call a friend, go for a walk (if your child is old enough to be left alone), or write in a journal. No matter how you cope, be sure to stick with the limit that you have set.

Positive self-talk is a surprisingly helpful tool. Say things to yourself like: “It’s okay if he’s angry now. This is what’s best to help him become a mature, responsible adult who can take directions from his employer.” “It’s normal for my daughter to be angry with me at times. Being angry is the only way she can learn to deal with anger. It’s going to be okay once things calm down. We can get through this.” If you allow yourself to entertain negative thoughts about how difficult the situation is or what an awful failure of a parent you are, it will be much harder for you to follow through with the limit you have set. Rise above the urge to beat yourself up and put yourself down. Instead, focus on being strong and positive.

A word of caution: your child can be very calm and respectful, and make a completely appropriate-sounding request. But don’t fall into the trap of giving your child the payout before he’s earned it. I’ve talked to parents who fell right into the promise trap. Kids may promise to change or promise to do something you want them to do only if you give them something they want first. This is not a compromise and it’s not a respectful, businesslike proposal. It’s manipulation, plain and simple. Don’t fall for it.

No parent gives up their authority intentionally. And it certainly doesn’t happen overnight. It took time to get to this point, and so it’s going to take time to restore your authority once again. As tempting as it is to overhaul your entire parenting strategy and say “no” to everything, resist that urge and pick just one thing to start with. You’ll be most effective that way. For example, let’s say your daughter spends all weekend every weekend at her friend’s house and it’s a huge hassle, on top of which you never see her and she’s not home to get her chores done. You might start by letting her know that from now on she can only spend one night per weekend with her friend and she needs to be home by 3 pm the next day. This is a single clear limit that you can remember and enforce consistently. If you have too many new limits, you might start to forget what they are and then consistency goes right out the window.

Once you decide what one thing you will start saying “no” to first, find a relatively calm time to present your plan to your child. Let your child know what is changing, including how you will respond to their acting out or manipulation. Communicate it to them in writing, an email, or a text message if they won’t talk in a half-decent way to you face-to-face. Acknowledge their frustrations and discuss what they can do to cope with the anger they’re going to feel.

Continue to keep your long-term goal in mind when things get tough. And remember to walk away and take care of yourself when you’re having a hard time standing your ground. Just take it slow, and when you feel like you’re succeeding with consistently enforcing your new rule, then you can add another new rule. I like to tell parents that this is a slow process, similar to putting together a large, complicated puzzle. You know what you want it to look like at the end, but you have to put the pieces together slowly, one by one.
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